So why now?
As I count down the days to the third anniversary of my husband's passing from this life (63 days), why now? Why am I writing all of this now? What purpose does it have?
One, to prove that I have made it this far, and two, is to get all these thoughts that have taken up residence inside my head out here in the open so I can deal with them head on.
When my husband was found deceased in his truck so far from home, I was caught fully unprepared. I was standing on a precipice looking out into a deep, dark void of confusion and ignorance. Not that I thought myself an ignorant person, I was simply ignorant in the knowledge of what I was facing. First, I had to get him home. While I accomplished it, I also nearly lost friends and caused hard feelings. Fully unintentional, but I was flying blind. But I got him home, when I knew his body was on the way home, I, with the help of the pastor of our church planned his celebration of life. We got his burial plot, we held the service and all of a sudden, it was just me and my adult son.
I managed to get all the official will stuff handled. I found it it was best to wait on social security. One by one, I managed. One day, one step, one breath at a time, I managed. It took a while to get everything handled, I stayed busy, I stayed focused. I talked to super nice people and I argued with a collection agency. (I won)
It took months, but I finally quit listening for the phone to ring and it be him. I finally reached a point that when the phone did ring and it wasn't him, I didn't have that heart breaking agony that nearly doubled me over. I have long quit listening for the sound of that diesel engine pulling down the road and have adjusted to having the bed to myself and not fighting over cover.
My bills get paid, there is food in the house, we are warm and dry, and we have the material things we need.
So after nearly three years, what haunts me? What fears have taken root inside my head that needs to be evicted?
Fear, is the operative word.
I fear being alone for however long I have left. I fear that there may not be anyone out there for me. I fear that I may have actually at one point met him, but messed it up terribly. I fear not being accepted for the mildly crazy, totally unique individual I am. I fear being used. I fear involvement so I believe I sabotage any and all possible chances. I share the good, the strange and the horrible photos of me on social media all the while envious of those I know who always look so gorgeously put together. I fear, getting involved and allowing myself to begin to feel, and have everything fall apart.
My late husband and I were together nearly 35 years. I haven't dated anyone else since we met and I haven't dated anyone since he passed away. I don't know that I know how. I don't know that I know how to be me in a way that is honest and true to me, but doesn't scare any potential dates away. I don't know what is expected in this day and age or if I want to even go there.
If fear were a disease, there would be medications or treatments available. If fear were an animal, it would, in my case be a dragon (or is that a very large reptile?) its breath of fire waiting to consume me. When people ask, what is your greatest fear? Mine has always been death by drowning. Right now, I feel as if the fears in my head are drowning me. Its time to fight back.
I did one of those social media games where it supposed it would tell you, your Bible verse for the year. Mine was Deuteronomy 31:6. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, For the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."
I know there are many more verses on not being afraid. I know there are many reminders of not being alone. I'm going to start looking them up as I know that I need to commit them to memory and lean on them more. Then, when fears start to rear up again and the dragon wants to play flame thrower, I will have the best arsenal at the ready.
I've made it this far, and I know I haven't been alone on this journey. I know that there have been many ways that God has taken care of us, provided for us,protected us. I know that He will take care of this as well, all I need do, is hand it over to Him and walk away.
One, to prove that I have made it this far, and two, is to get all these thoughts that have taken up residence inside my head out here in the open so I can deal with them head on.
When my husband was found deceased in his truck so far from home, I was caught fully unprepared. I was standing on a precipice looking out into a deep, dark void of confusion and ignorance. Not that I thought myself an ignorant person, I was simply ignorant in the knowledge of what I was facing. First, I had to get him home. While I accomplished it, I also nearly lost friends and caused hard feelings. Fully unintentional, but I was flying blind. But I got him home, when I knew his body was on the way home, I, with the help of the pastor of our church planned his celebration of life. We got his burial plot, we held the service and all of a sudden, it was just me and my adult son.
I managed to get all the official will stuff handled. I found it it was best to wait on social security. One by one, I managed. One day, one step, one breath at a time, I managed. It took a while to get everything handled, I stayed busy, I stayed focused. I talked to super nice people and I argued with a collection agency. (I won)
It took months, but I finally quit listening for the phone to ring and it be him. I finally reached a point that when the phone did ring and it wasn't him, I didn't have that heart breaking agony that nearly doubled me over. I have long quit listening for the sound of that diesel engine pulling down the road and have adjusted to having the bed to myself and not fighting over cover.
My bills get paid, there is food in the house, we are warm and dry, and we have the material things we need.
So after nearly three years, what haunts me? What fears have taken root inside my head that needs to be evicted?
Fear, is the operative word.
I fear being alone for however long I have left. I fear that there may not be anyone out there for me. I fear that I may have actually at one point met him, but messed it up terribly. I fear not being accepted for the mildly crazy, totally unique individual I am. I fear being used. I fear involvement so I believe I sabotage any and all possible chances. I share the good, the strange and the horrible photos of me on social media all the while envious of those I know who always look so gorgeously put together. I fear, getting involved and allowing myself to begin to feel, and have everything fall apart.
My late husband and I were together nearly 35 years. I haven't dated anyone else since we met and I haven't dated anyone since he passed away. I don't know that I know how. I don't know that I know how to be me in a way that is honest and true to me, but doesn't scare any potential dates away. I don't know what is expected in this day and age or if I want to even go there.
If fear were a disease, there would be medications or treatments available. If fear were an animal, it would, in my case be a dragon (or is that a very large reptile?) its breath of fire waiting to consume me. When people ask, what is your greatest fear? Mine has always been death by drowning. Right now, I feel as if the fears in my head are drowning me. Its time to fight back.
I did one of those social media games where it supposed it would tell you, your Bible verse for the year. Mine was Deuteronomy 31:6. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, For the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."
I know there are many more verses on not being afraid. I know there are many reminders of not being alone. I'm going to start looking them up as I know that I need to commit them to memory and lean on them more. Then, when fears start to rear up again and the dragon wants to play flame thrower, I will have the best arsenal at the ready.
I've made it this far, and I know I haven't been alone on this journey. I know that there have been many ways that God has taken care of us, provided for us,protected us. I know that He will take care of this as well, all I need do, is hand it over to Him and walk away.
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