Thoughts from the Heart

 Its no secret, I have been battling serious depression. I could call it anything I wanted, but I knew the truth. The only sign that I was giving in to it in any way, was the fact that I was hiding in the house.  Then I heard the trails of a local park calling to me, and I answered. That hike has been the beginning of something wonderful.  I took my dog Bella and hiked up a mountain, the hike up was rough due to being so badly out of shape, but we made it. The views as always were amazing. The feelings of accomplishment exhilarating. With it being a week day there was not a lot of people around. The walk down, even more amazing. The peace the healing, the feelings of comfort surrounded me and made me feel so much better.  Today, I had to go for groceries. I knew what I would be facing. Aisles upon aisles of Valentine's Day stuff. When I got to those aisles, I was somewhat dumbfounded, there was no pain. There was no sadness about not being pat of a couple. I l...

  So I have all that pent up emotions all bled out. The words have stained the page and the angst that had blocked all the arteries used by the good feelings has been cleared away. I'm not guaranteeing it to be forever gone, anxiety and I are old friends, I'm sure at some point it is going to try and make itself known once again. Until that time, it is past time for me to move on forward with my bad self.  Someone recently told me to "Be bold." I have adopted that as a new mantra, a new personal slogan, a new theme of life. I have even gone so far as to start creating clothing with Be Bold emblazoned across the front of t-shirts and the back of long sleeved denim shirts. Created in such as way as to boldly stand out, reminding me to do the same.  I have been working up to this moment. I have one denim shirt completed and two in process. I have three t-shirts completed. Bright and, yes, bold. The denim shirts the be bold wording is in black but the designs around...

Yesterday I wrote on how I have in the past, and continue to fight my own demons. I have called myself an imperfect perfectionist. I have looked in the mirror and saw everything I thought wrong with myself and I have beaten myself up over those supposed flaws. It does not help that I suffer from that seasonal affective disorder, ( Its a real thing: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651). But then I have those days when I look out and the sky is this incredible blue, flowers that are not supposed to be blooming are and the day while still short and cold, is gorgeous and my mood lifts incredibly. It is those days when I realize that the reflection I thought I was looking at, was merely an illusion. I may still be an imperfect perfectionist, that in fact is a good thing, it gives me room to grow and improve.  I look in the mirror and I see the reflection of someone who has walked a rough road, fought many battles...

I read an article today about, yes, being your own worst enemy. It went into details on how if you are not happy with your life, then you are the only one who can change that. If  things are not going to way you want them to go, it is up to you to create the change you want. I agree fully with what I read. I do tend to allow my mind to wander to the dark side and stay there. Even my son tells me that I always think the worst. Growing up my mother would tell me that she always thought the worst so that if it didn't happen or better if something good happened, then she was pleasantly surprised. If the worst did happen, then she was not caught off guard. And now, here I am. Following blindly along in my mother's footsteps. That has to change There is an ongoing battle in my head over all the things I face. Most of which, admittedly, would probably never happen. Part of which, are relatively of little importance in the grand scheme of things. The important stuff, really needs l...

 Even in the midst of all the emotional mess, in the middle of the hurt, I have not given up. I will not give up, because I am not a quitter. yes, there are parts of this that sounds like whining, because it is. There are parts of this were the words bleeding on the page are pain filled, because at times, that is me.  But, even in the middle of the hurt, I have a plan.  Seek God, for He is never far away. His Spirit indwells and if I would only listen, it would not be so bad. We are not promised a life without suffering or pain, we are promised that He will always be with us to help us through the storms. He will help us grow stronger because of the storms.  Below, are some of the promises found in His word, that tell us not to fear. That tell me, not to fear. -- Mark 4:40 He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Luke 12:32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom." Isai...

 As I count down the days to the third anniversary of my husband's passing from this life (63 days), why now? Why am I writing all of this now? What purpose does it have?  One, to prove that I have made it this far, and two, is to get all these thoughts that have taken up residence inside my head out here in the open so I can deal with them head on.  When my husband was found deceased in his truck so far from home, I was caught fully unprepared. I was standing on a precipice looking out into a deep, dark void of confusion and ignorance.  Not that I thought myself an ignorant person, I was simply ignorant in the knowledge of what I was facing. First, I had to get him home. While I accomplished it, I also nearly lost friends and caused hard feelings. Fully unintentional, but I was flying blind. But I got him home, when I knew his body was on the way home, I, with the help of the pastor of our church planned his celebration of life. We got his burial plot, we held the...

 As I have gotten older and dealt with a multitude of the same things that so many others deal with, I have become a worrier. I was a worrier before my husband passed away, in part because of having a mother who is a worrier and because of all the things that were happening or could happen or was in the process of happening. My son at one point told me I had surpassed the master.  When my husband was alive and driving, I worried about him. I prayed for him and I believed in him, and yet, I worried. There was and is, so much going on out there that threats and dangers were around every bend and stretch in the road. I tried not to let him know that I was as worried as I actually was, but that had him believing I didn't care. I did, I cared deeply. He was out there, going places that he would have never gone had the bakery not closed. If he had earned his high school diploma, he could have found local work but he didn't so he couldn't. And he ended up on the road.  We talke...

On March 7 of 2017, I lost my husband of 32 years even though we knew each other longer.  A long haul truck driver, he was found deceased in his truck at a truck stop in Indiana. I am sitting here, looking at the approach of the third anniversary of his passing. I wonder, how could it have been three years, when at times, it seems like just yesterday I got the call.  There are times, when I know that I have grown as a person, as a mother, as a friend. Then there are times, when I simply want to close all the doors, turn out the lights and hide. Just me and my pain. The emotions run the full gambit from feeling fine, to feeling the emotional mess. I have family and I have friends that I know are here for me, but I have those moments when I feel absolutely abandoned. It is those moments, when I know to stay away from social media as my pain bleeds out all over the page in the form of the written word. I feel the need to share that pain, feeling that if I don't share then a part...