Moving forward with my bad self

 

So I have all that pent up emotions all bled out. The words have stained the page and the angst that had blocked all the arteries used by the good feelings has been cleared away. I'm not guaranteeing it to be forever gone, anxiety and I are old friends, I'm sure at some point it is going to try and make itself known once again. Until that time, it is past time for me to move on forward with my bad self.
 Someone recently told me to "Be bold." I have adopted that as a new mantra, a new personal slogan, a new theme of life. I have even gone so far as to start creating clothing with Be Bold emblazoned across the front of t-shirts and the back of long sleeved denim shirts. Created in such as way as to boldly stand out, reminding me to do the same.
 I have been working up to this moment. I have one denim shirt completed and two in process. I have three t-shirts completed. Bright and, yes, bold. The denim shirts the be bold wording is in black but the designs around the words are bright and colorful. That is what I am seeking, the bold, the bright, the beautiful. I believe, no, I know, I can find that. I know, I will be living that.
 To do that, will require pushing aside the box I have drawn myself into. I will have to shed the cocoon that I have enveloped myself in and spread the wings of faith and get out there into the big, wide world. Because that big, wide world, is glorious and its waiting for me. This house, this room, has been a sanctuary of sorts. I have secluded myself away from life in this perceived safe place. If I don't interact with others, then others can't hurt me. But, if I don't interact with others, then others can't bring the good things of life either.
 I have decided that I need a sort of bucket list to get me started and keep me going once I start. It should keep me focused on the goal- have a fun life. The main idea, to get moving forward with my bad self.
 I have already taken a first hike up Crowder's Mountain. My son and our two dogs were with me. I need to get one of the dogs and take a hike on my own. I love that mountain, there is a great peace along those trails, even with so many other people taking those same hikes.
 I need to seek out and join a hiking group. I know they are out there, I just need to find  the one that best meets my challenge.
 I need to find a group that hikes with photography in mind. Not so much with professional photographers, but with a group that is filled with hobbyist who are seeking the photos but don't judge the work of the others in condescending ways.
 I need to locate more local trails.
 I need, to find the inner peace that heals, so that on the hours, days,, weeks, months, that I find myself alone, I can stand there and in truth say, "It is well with my soul." and mean it.
 I need to be able to create a budget, in the line items, there needs to be a notification of 'for fun'.
 I need, to work on my personal flower beds and get them in good shape and ready for Spring. I also need to clean out my vegetable garden for the same reason.
 I need, to actually visit the places that I click 'interested' and not just watch the event pass by.
I could list item after item after item, meaning each one. Writing lists though don't do any good, unless you actually follow through on the lists. To follow through on the lists, one must find determination in your desire to accomplish your goals. One needs to want to do something more than they don't. You have to believe that you can do the things you wish. You have to be able to drop the excuses and get moving. You have to trust in yourself. You have to break the locks, fling open the door and step out of the box. Step out of the dark, step out of the safe and into the adventure.
Get on moving forward with your bad self.. I plan to do that myself..