Fears, worries, stress.
As I have gotten older and dealt with a multitude of the same things that so many others deal with, I have become a worrier. I was a worrier before my husband passed away, in part because of having a mother who is a worrier and because of all the things that were happening or could happen or was in the process of happening. My son at one point told me I had surpassed the master.
When my husband was alive and driving, I worried about him. I prayed for him and I believed in him, and yet, I worried. There was and is, so much going on out there that threats and dangers were around every bend and stretch in the road. I tried not to let him know that I was as worried as I actually was, but that had him believing I didn't care. I did, I cared deeply. He was out there, going places that he would have never gone had the bakery not closed. If he had earned his high school diploma, he could have found local work but he didn't so he couldn't. And he ended up on the road. We talked often, sometimes more than we should have as I wasn't supposed to be on the phone at work, but when he called and called and called without ceasing, I knew there was an issue he needed help with. So I would go to where I could answer and do the best I could to help him. He tried, he really tried to do his best at providing. There just seemed to be so many things lining up against him. As he grew frustrated, I worried. I worried about him being out there, but I worried about his health. He would get angry and shout at what ever. To tell him he needed to calm down was like trying to baptize a cat, it just wasn't happening. Then, he got a good driving job, and things were looking up. Then, he left us.
He left me neck deep in debt and with a life insurance policy that no where near covered it. I ended up cashing in half of mine so I could get in a position where I could handle the bills with the pay I brought home. I thought that it would be okay.
Then I had to have the roof worked on- twice because a tree limb came through at one point.
I had to replace my kitchen range as the one I had was over 40 years old and the burners were exploding. The burners were not the easily replaceable ones and were going to cost over three hundred dollars, so I bit the bill and just bought a new range.
Then my refrigerator died.
Then my car began to suffer a slow, painful death.
Then I needed a furnace, and propane.
I bought what I hoped were the best appliances for the money and tried to stay frugal (cheap).
I was gifted a new gas pack furnace, central air by some members of the church I attend. I was so blown away.
I bought a brand new car, because I told my son that at my age, it will probably be the only brand new car I ever own.
During all of this, were the bills. And the over time I had been getting at work, disappeared. This was not going to be easy.
I grew more worried, fearful of losing what my husband and I had fought so hard for. Fearful of losing what had cost him his life. If we had been in better financial shape, he could have retired earlier, as it was, God called him into retirement. Still, here I sat, looking at what I owed and afraid.
I had not slept well since my husband passed away, but those waking every hour had lessened to once a night. Now it was back with a vengeance. One moment I was sleeping, the next I was staring at the clock. I would doze off, only to suddenly be staring at the clock.
I had to use the home equity line to have enough cash to pay my property tax. I had saved, but not enough as it had gone up.
Currently I am looking at my kitchen floor and bathroom floor needing work. Hopefully I'll get that done soon.
But as I sit here, as I look back at all of this, even as I still stress over things, I am getting better at remembering that God will provide for me and my son. I have a wood stove along with the furnace. We've been given firewood three times this year. That doesn't prevent my having to call now and order propane as we're getting low, but it has held that need off this long. I know, that the stress, the worries and fears will not add one day to my life. I know that just as God clothes the lilies of the field and feeds the birds, He will take care of us. I know this. I know this, but being a frail human, I have to remind myself often as fear is a relentless beast and unwanted guest.
So I will pray, and I will trust and I will believe that the fears, worries and stress will ease and I can breathe easier and sleep better.
When my husband was alive and driving, I worried about him. I prayed for him and I believed in him, and yet, I worried. There was and is, so much going on out there that threats and dangers were around every bend and stretch in the road. I tried not to let him know that I was as worried as I actually was, but that had him believing I didn't care. I did, I cared deeply. He was out there, going places that he would have never gone had the bakery not closed. If he had earned his high school diploma, he could have found local work but he didn't so he couldn't. And he ended up on the road. We talked often, sometimes more than we should have as I wasn't supposed to be on the phone at work, but when he called and called and called without ceasing, I knew there was an issue he needed help with. So I would go to where I could answer and do the best I could to help him. He tried, he really tried to do his best at providing. There just seemed to be so many things lining up against him. As he grew frustrated, I worried. I worried about him being out there, but I worried about his health. He would get angry and shout at what ever. To tell him he needed to calm down was like trying to baptize a cat, it just wasn't happening. Then, he got a good driving job, and things were looking up. Then, he left us.
He left me neck deep in debt and with a life insurance policy that no where near covered it. I ended up cashing in half of mine so I could get in a position where I could handle the bills with the pay I brought home. I thought that it would be okay.
Then I had to have the roof worked on- twice because a tree limb came through at one point.
I had to replace my kitchen range as the one I had was over 40 years old and the burners were exploding. The burners were not the easily replaceable ones and were going to cost over three hundred dollars, so I bit the bill and just bought a new range.
Then my refrigerator died.
Then my car began to suffer a slow, painful death.
Then I needed a furnace, and propane.
I bought what I hoped were the best appliances for the money and tried to stay frugal (cheap).
I was gifted a new gas pack furnace, central air by some members of the church I attend. I was so blown away.
I bought a brand new car, because I told my son that at my age, it will probably be the only brand new car I ever own.
During all of this, were the bills. And the over time I had been getting at work, disappeared. This was not going to be easy.
I grew more worried, fearful of losing what my husband and I had fought so hard for. Fearful of losing what had cost him his life. If we had been in better financial shape, he could have retired earlier, as it was, God called him into retirement. Still, here I sat, looking at what I owed and afraid.
I had not slept well since my husband passed away, but those waking every hour had lessened to once a night. Now it was back with a vengeance. One moment I was sleeping, the next I was staring at the clock. I would doze off, only to suddenly be staring at the clock.
I had to use the home equity line to have enough cash to pay my property tax. I had saved, but not enough as it had gone up.
Currently I am looking at my kitchen floor and bathroom floor needing work. Hopefully I'll get that done soon.
But as I sit here, as I look back at all of this, even as I still stress over things, I am getting better at remembering that God will provide for me and my son. I have a wood stove along with the furnace. We've been given firewood three times this year. That doesn't prevent my having to call now and order propane as we're getting low, but it has held that need off this long. I know, that the stress, the worries and fears will not add one day to my life. I know that just as God clothes the lilies of the field and feeds the birds, He will take care of us. I know this. I know this, but being a frail human, I have to remind myself often as fear is a relentless beast and unwanted guest.
So I will pray, and I will trust and I will believe that the fears, worries and stress will ease and I can breathe easier and sleep better.
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