I am my own best friend




Yesterday I wrote on how I have in the past, and continue to fight my own demons. I have called myself an imperfect perfectionist. I have looked in the mirror and saw everything I thought wrong with myself and I have beaten myself up over those supposed flaws. It does not help that I suffer from that seasonal affective disorder, ( Its a real thing: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651).
But then I have those days when I look out and the sky is this incredible blue, flowers that are not supposed to be blooming are and the day while still short and cold, is gorgeous and my mood lifts incredibly. It is those days when I realize that the reflection I thought I was looking at, was merely an illusion. I may still be an imperfect perfectionist, that in fact is a good thing, it gives me room to grow and improve.
 I look in the mirror and I see the reflection of someone who has walked a rough road, fought many battles and came out stronger than before. I see the reflection of the person who at one time was not so much braver, but maybe just more willing. I see the time when adventure held more excitement and less fear. Of course that was in a different time, but that doesn't mean I can't get out and do things. I am starting to remember the person who stood at the top of the hill looking into the forest and seeing the things others could not. The imagination that had been stifled and pounded into a box to shove out of sight, has slipped back out of the corner and is calling to me. Thinking of the possibilities that may come from opening that long locked box has me almost giddy.
 I want to create. I want to write. I want to paint. I want to sing in my key of Rebecca that isn't on any scale and dance as if no one is watching and not caring if they are. The videos may go viral and I would be a star. I want to hike trails and sit on the edge of a cliff and look out into forever.
 I look in the mirror and instead of seeing the times I've failed, I see the times I tried. As long as I tried, I didn't really fail, I just didn't fully succeed. To not try is to fail. Seeing this opens a window of new thought processes and ideas of how I can try what didn't succeed in a different way.
 I look in the mirror and I see a solitary reflection. And while yes, it would be nice to have someone to spend time with, I actually am. I am spending time with me, and me is pretty darn special. If I pay attention and shut down the whine of self pity, I can hear the growth. I am growing stronger. I am growing more assured, more self aware. I see a person, who has come a long way. I see someone who stumbles and hesitates, but in the end, gets up and moves forward. The more time I spend with myself, and really pay attention to who I am, the more at peace I feel. There are things that I would love to do, but am nervous about trying, but the me in the mirror is getting stronger every day. That day may get here sooner than I thought, when I just toss a couple bags in the car and start driving. I love the dirt road, but there is a bigger adventure out there waiting. Waiting for me, and my best friend.

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